I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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