sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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