What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
