Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
