i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Randomize
