it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
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