I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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