I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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