He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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