Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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