yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
