I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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