All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
love makes seman taste better
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
