I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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