I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
