I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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