Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
