You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
