You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
