I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
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