In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
