I'm gonna have a badass scar
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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