i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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