I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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