We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
