I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
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I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
It's blow job season.
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Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
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