More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
