you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
