Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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