and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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