All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
