when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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