she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Those nachos came to me in a dream