Already got asked if we're dating
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
