I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Randomize
