i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
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