You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
