you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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