I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
