Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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