i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
