he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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