I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize