I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
