Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
