you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
