I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
