Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
