Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Randomize
