his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
