He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
