Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Randomize
