i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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