im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
