if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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