someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Randomize
