i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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