i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
