and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize
