you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I currently don't understand fingers.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
